unfinished song

You know we've got a lot of things that we'll never even say
you know that things will never happen in the way we plan each day
and the days will keep on changing, but we wont know what to do,
and though we've said a million things, nothing ever quite rings true


take a deep breath just to get it go
and you're looking for hope that you've never known
and it gets so hard that you just want to cry
and you hear a sad song on the radio
and it feels like a tune that you used to know
and it makes you smile but you dont quite know why


you know i've heard too many lies trying to hide their way as true
and i get so lost and lonley trying to find my way to you
and i keep on stepping forwards trying hard not to look back
and im trying not to focus on all the things i lack


take a deep breath just to get it go
and you're looking for hope that you've never known
and it gets so hard that you just want to cry
and you hear a sad song on the radio
and it feels like a tune that you used to know
and it makes you smile but you dont quite know why

and everything keeps changing, and your feeling left behind
and you've never just quite figured how to say whats on your mind
trying to keep moving on past all the fears and doubt
and your looking for your voice when all you want to do is shout


take a deep breath just to get it go
and you're looking for hope that you've never known
and it gets so hard that you just want to cry
and you hear a sad song on the radio
and it feels like a tune that you used to know
and it makes you smile but you dont quite know why

I feel like there is so much that I want to say. But I don't know how to find the right words. I have so many questions weighing me down. And I'm completely lost.

All I know is something has to change. I just don't know what

Someone once told me to do what makes me happy and to follow my heart...

The thing is, i don't know what i want anymore. 

My heart is telling me to do something completely crazy and stupid, that will never amount to anything probably. But it would make me happy.

My mind is telling me that I'm an idiot and i should just be happy with how things are.

I'm not happy though, not in my current situation. I don't know how, or even if, things are fixable at this point. All i know is I'm sick of being the only one putting effort in.

What i still don't understand though... I tried to talk to him, and the more I tried to say anything, the more my vision turned white, and the  harder it was to find the words i needed to say. In the end he just got mad at me for saying anything, and he will barely speak to me right now...

I'm at a crossroad between what i know, and finally doing something for myself, i just don't know what step to take.

-Ren Kanade